13 Éxitos que Nunca Oirás: A Serial Poem (Part 10)

Sometimes I wonder if I’m a “RACIST”. I wonder this because I have never dated or really been romantically attracted to someone of my own “RACE”. Um, ethnicity? I would say something like this: my libidinal image-repertoire has been formed within a milieu of suburban whiteness and urban hipsterdom. So, really, you end up liking girls from the same parts of town. I saw some girls waving my flag; Philip said their brothers would beat us up.

13 Éxitos que Nunca Oirás: A Serial Poem (Part 9)

It was something like a haze of smoke, a hurricane, a Schmidt. Jasper is the Hurricane. He is talented at feigning disinterest. How awesome is this? I don’t know. Spaces are often crowded, and sometimes people go to the bathroom. Then you end up screaming the words to “Friends of Mine” because the band played it. Do you know what it’s like to peacefully protest narcotics laws on Washington? How awesome is this? It was the birthday of ––––––– fucked if I remember. We entered a gate; I drove (was driven) home.

13 Éxitos que Nunca Oirás: A Serial Poem (Part 8)

Myspace is tricky because Word’s spell-check doesn’t recognize it. Spellcheck also wants me to hyphenate spell-check. Suck-it, Microsoft. Myspace is also tricky because it enables the Jasper to come home at 3am and write: I want to meet up so you can give me a cd with all of the cool music that you have (assuming by yr music project and the song you have on yr space, that would be what you have).
or something like that.

13 Éxitos que Nunca Oirás: A Serial Poem (Part 7)

I do own blank CD's and sleeves. Sleeves are important. A mix CD is “SEX” as much as it is gift as much as “FLOWER” is a flower (you follow?) Or, rather, a mix CD is to get “SEX” (or is it sex?) Anyway; as in sex, the mix CD cannot be delivered without “PROTECTION”. She’ll take it off when she wants it in her “COMPACT DISC DRIVE”.

LAN PARTY.

Okay, so hopefully everyone read Matt's masterpiece letter to Asher Roth. If you didn't, go back a few posts to March 3, 2009. A handful of students from Temple University and their friends created a spoof video on Asher's hit song "I Love College." Genius director and lyricist John Note and his chosen LAN party gamer-cast spent hours filming the video. I had the privilege to hang around and watch them, and let me tell you, if this song comes on the radio I am guaranteed a good laugh. Check out the video on YouTube at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vHVMuRM2Kx8.

Oh, and in case you don't know what a LAN party is... Wikipedia cooked up a nice definition for you.

"A LAN party is a temporary, sometimes spontaneous, gathering of people together with their computers, which they network together primarily for the purpose of playing multiplayer computer games. These local area networks (LANs) come in various sizes, from very small (two people) to very large (more than 10,000 people). Small parties can form spontaneously, but large ones usually require a fair amount of planning and preparation on the part of the organizer."

13 Éxitos que Nunca Oirás: A Serial Poem (Part 6)

I do not own a fine point permanent marker. Think of it this way: a mix CD is a gift that isn’t a gift. Instead, try this: take 3 sheets of 8 ½ by 11 paper, quarter the paper. On each quarter of paper, write the word “FLOWER” in fine point or perhaps broad tip permanent marker. Find some construction paper; after stapling your “FLOWERS”, fold your sheet of construction paper; this is a “BOUQUET”. If you are feeling adventurous, you can substitute “CARNATIONS (PINK)” or “ROSES (RED)” for “FLOWERS”. This of course depends on the message. You may be hungry after all of this. Write “NACHOS” on an index card, perhaps with some “CHEESE”. Remember: no staples in the microwave.

13 Éxitos que Nunca Oirás: A Serial Poem (Part 5)

80 minutes is 700 MB, which is arbitrary. When CD technology was developed, the scientists changed their goal from 60 minutes to 74 minutes of recording time; this way the disc could accommodate Beethoven’s 9th Symphony, a fact that Sony apparently used to force Phillips to adopt a 120mm disc; (they had already built a factory in Hanover, Germany, but they were planning on 115mm). Either way, there is no reason to use all 60, 74, or 80 minutes. 40 minutes will do; it will force you to make choices regarding the statement you want to make. Your target will just as likely decide to stop liking you in the 60 minutes you force him to ‘appreciate’ your taste in obscure tropicalia and Ethiopian jazz as he is to actually be impressed.

13 Éxitos que Nunca Oirás: A Serial Poem (Part 4)

According to Urban Dictionary.com, there are several definitions for the term ‘Jasper’. These definitions range from:
1. Jasper
To perform a sex act on a coworker. If performed in the place of employment, this can be called the Full Jasper.

"I just jaspered that hot chick from work!"
to:
11. Jasper
Jewish Anglo-Saxon Protestant. Used by some Jews in Northern California to describe people of Jewish heritage who have completely assimilated into white gentile culture to the point that they are indistinguishable from WASPs, or people who seem like WASPs but are Jewish or half-Jewish.

“He seems so goyish, but he's really a jasper.”

However, when first I looked the word up, the first definition was:
14. Jasper
A name used to describe a hopeless lover.

“Yo man you need to grow some balls and stop being a Jasper!”

This is what I took as the meaning of ‘Jasper’ when Mary said:
“You boys are total Jaspers.”

OBEY! No One

People who know me know that I loathe the OBEY! company and everything Shepard Fairey pretends to stand for. The simple reason for this is because he's a thief. He steals art--be it meaningful or not--and regurgitates it into pop drivel. You can argue with me about it if you really want to, but I stand firm in my belief that you shouldn't be able to misappropriate historical imagery, appropriate copyrighted imagery, copyright a single word ("obey") and then go crazy suing companies that are doing exactly the same thing to you. Off the record, and in complete confidence, I just think he's a whiny bitch who has entitlement issues and a white superiority complex. Not that my personal opinion really matters, though.

I was working on an article about Fairey, which was ultimately supposed to be an explanatory piece that would hopefully (Can I use the word "HOPE" without infringing? YIKES!) lead my audience to consider for themselves whether or not they believe Fairey to be a proverbial sheister. After numerous attempts to contact the OBEY! company, they finally got back to me regarding my initial query: Does Fairey cite his sources anywhere?

Their answer: Buy the book.

His book, full of borrowed art, faux-pithy sayings and misrepresented socio-political imagery is about $60. Fat chance.

I am really quite tempted to photocopy a borrowed issue, highlight a few sections, staple it together and sell it on my website. It's tempting, until I think about how quickly this guy will turn around and sue me. Just like he's doing to Steelerbaby.

Please, join my crusade against Fairey and buy some Steelerbaby merch.

I hate the Steelers, as I am both a Philadelphian and not a football fan. Despite this, I shall buy a shirt to support the real "grassroots" artists and superfans who are being abused by a gluttonous, ego-centric, monster capitalist. I also happen to collect Kewpie dolls, so it's just a nice fit.

Yeah, capitalism usually doesn't bother me, but this type of abuse burns me up. Read more about Fairey's art crimes (my emphasis) here: Obey Plagiarist Shepard Fairey.

Also, he got blasted by the ASSOCIATE PRESS!

I know I'm just one, little, mostly-insignificant person, but I support local arts and artists and I don't want someone like Fairey reaping benefits that he should be sharing. I also, dare I say, think most of the OBEY! stuff is kind of dumb and emo looking. But, as I conceded, my opinion really doesn't matter.

Want to see some good, local, wearable art? Check out the artists at Space 1026, Magic Outlaw, Vox Populi, Art in the Age and Topstitch.

inVESTED In Austin

As most of you already know Tiffany and I will be attempting to live Blog SxSW from Austin. The last few weeks have been crammed with preparations (I.E. finding places to sleep, finding money to survive, creating a schedule, breaking out the summer wear). As Monday, our departure date, looms near we will be figuring out the more tedious details, but until then we have a few things to better help you follow us on our trip.

First is the absurdly epic list of shows that we want to be able to catch/cover/not sleep through. Luckily, through the beauty of iCAL, I did not have to put this together. The list is an organized PDF file of all the shows, show times, and locations. You can download it here. 

Second is a PayPal account where you can donate to make sure we don't starve/run out of gas/have money for bail. All you have to do is click on the Virgin Mary and PayPal makes it fairly easy from there. Thank you for anything donated and we promise that you'll be having as much fun as we will be, albeit vicariously through pictures/articles/drunken phone calls.

Third is a mixtape which I'll be posting here later in the afternoon.

13 Éxitos que Nunca Oirás: A Serial Poem (Part 3)

I chose “En Otro Pais” (Cola Jet Set) and “Quetate Luna” (Devendra Banhart) because they are sung in Spanish; this would be impressive. I originally had included “Quiereme” (Cola Jet Set) and “Le Premier Bonheur Du Jour” (Os Mutantes). The former was abandoned for obvious reasons. The latter because, upon further consideration, I decided that Portuguese was not the same as Spanish. Not even close. But actually, the song’s in French and I just realized that now. Oh well. When I see pictures of Devendra Banhart, he looks very spiritual; I thought to myself, girls like to be spiritual. This, then, would be impressive.

13 Éxitos que Nunca Oirás: A Serial Poem (Part 2)

There are several schools of thought regarding the proper use and execution of a mix CD. I read “The VICE Guide To Being Totally Crushed Out”, which advises (in an ‘emergency’, ‘emergency’ robot voice): “do not make a mix tape for someone you have not fooled around with yet”. Also: “once you have horsed around with her…do not pay too close attention to the lyrics. Trying to frame a message in other people’s lyrics is gay.” Furthermore, the author suggests including a few mean songs. For these purposes, “She’s a Rejector” (Of Montreal) and “Looking Over My Shoulder” (Elliott Smith) were included in the mix.

Roland Barthes, in A Lover’s Discourse, argues that the love letter is not tactical; it is not an “enterprise to defend positions, make conquests” (158). Rather, the letter is “purely expressive”. What is engaged in the other is a total relation between two images and not a mathematical correspondence with the other’s perceived weak points. Barthes did not live to see the inception of consumer-level recordable media, but the thought still bears mention.

I had a girlfriend who told me I was very talented at making mix CDs. She was impressed with the way in which the songs fit together in sequential order. I later made a mix for a different girl, including a song I had written about her; the lyrics were written accompanying the track list. Her roommates read it at her birthday party. Upon reviewing both cases (one with whom I had fooled around, the other about whom I had been fooled), I find that the use of “tactics” or “strategery” depends very much on your relationship to the other.

13 Éxitos que Nunca Oirás: A Serial Poem (Part 1)

In tenth grade, I would have been six years into the future (projected); a story which, despite all indications otherwise, is evocative of the following: sunlight, quarry stones, Wednesday at dinner; a car with cracked leatherette upholstery. A green leaf, wide, the reflection as it falls somewhere near the quarry mouth, it’s been filled with water; it is November. There’s a metaphor in there; it is a soft and gentle flower dying in springtime. It is an empty casket disinterred. The dismay of the forensic examiner.

An Open Letter to Asher Roth

Dear Mr. Roth,

I like you Asher, I like you a lot. Your Mixtape, The Greenhouse Effect Vol. 1, produced by DJ Drama and Don Cannon is brilliant. Your raps are genius. Sometimes cheeky and hilarious, with tracks like "Cartoon Chick" and the Brittany Spears rework "Gimme Your Box". Sometimes intelligent and insightful like the accapella "Just Listen". You even have a Black Mags remix that rivals the flows from The Cool Kids original. You have tracks produced by Diddy, Kayne, Chuck English, and Dr. Dre (which I can't begin to understand how that was pulled off). Simply put The Greenhouse Effect was an ingenious first release, and "Asleep In The Bread Isle" sounds really promising with its guest vocals and beats from Ludacris Cee-Lo, and Lady GaGa. You've been able to pull from all the styles of Hip-Hop, and you do it well.

But Asher, I have one little qualm I'd like to talk about,

WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU MAKE I LOVE COLLEGE?

Seriously, what the fuck is that cockmix of a track Asher? I understand you graduated from West Chester University with a degree in Elementary Education, but now you've taken it too far. I just want to know what happened? You spit 150 bars to Jay-z straight out. You rapped to him about fucking Ashley Olsen, that's hardcore. Now what? You're hanging out with Dave Matthews Band and playing Sublime covers on the quad? What's next? Trucker hats and hemp sandals? Performances at Bonnaroo?  

Asher, what happened? Thats all I want to know. You're lucky you listened to your fans and made that "A Milli" remix. You own Lil' Wayne's soul now, but things are really up in the air with us right now. I guess call me when your album drops. If its as bang-up as it looks maybe I can love you again.

Oh, and Asher, Don't come back to Philly until you fucking fail out. It'll be a good life lesson, Thanks.

Fix the recession? Let's get high!

I was browsing salon.com when I happened to see this article about a California state assemblyman lobbying to have the state legalize marijuana in the state as a taxable item. Why? Mostly because pot is Cali's number one cash crop, bringing in almost $14 billion a year, which is significantly higher than the next best crop, vegetables.

The interesting thing is, I was just recently discussing this idea with friends, who suggested I write a letter to my local congressman. Seems like someone beat me to it, and in a state more likely to actually pass.

Basically what that means is if the entire country follows suit (albeit unlikely) we could fix this recession in a hilarious way. Just imagine our children's history textboks:

I know you might be thinking that this guy is probably a total wackjob, which may be true, but he was bros with Harvey Milk.

Here's the original article, take a look.